Cathy and Lucas

"Lucas was the easiest baby. He ate everything, loved to take naps, communicated early, and was the best traveller. We started trying for a second child when he was four, and after a couple of years, we went the IVF route to help us conceive. 

Nobody tells you this in the beginning, but IVF can be an extremely lonely path. The physical and emotional toll it took on me was difficult to talk about, even with my closest friends. When someone would ask me how I was doing, I would say I was fine. But I really wanted to say, I’m feeling miserable, thanks for asking. 

I miscarried after our first try, which was a blow to us all. We tried again in the Fall and now, I’m past my first trimester and although I’m grateful that we were successful, I haven’t quite let myself enjoy the pregnancy. That’s the thing about IVF and a past miscarriage—after you go through both, there’s a lot of trepidation, even when faced with good news.

"What’s helped me embrace joy a bit more and let go of the fear is journaling and reading the work of teachers from our great spiritual and literary traditions: Pema Chodron, Mark Nepo, Naomi Shihab Nye, and Mary Oliver. Pema says that “fear is the natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” And if I’m being really honest, I’m afraid of not being able to give Lucas a sibling to share the world with, to move through life with. I want so badly to give him that, and to give me and my husband the gift of raising another child in this incredible world we live in."

"Lucas helps me peel away that fear. I see how he tackles new challenges at school with care and sensitivity, how he goes through life playfully. The other day, when we were bathing, he just kissed my belly, unprovoked, and hugged me tight. He’s become one of my greatest teachers, and no matter what happens, I think I’ve still won the lottery in life because I get to be his mom."